Carpe . Diem

In life we are certain of one thing, that death will come to each of us.

For the majority of the population, we do not know when that will be. What day, what hour, what minute.

Next week, when this month-long blog writing challenge will be over, it will be my birthday.

I have spent a good part of this year thinking about this impending birthday, not because I have an issue with ageing - but because, at this next birthday, I will be the age my mum was when she died.

I knew at the time that she had died young, everybody said so. But now that I am on the cusp of the same age; I REALLY know that she was too young. I can feel it in every part of my being - and it makes me ache for her. I ache for the time that I and her grandchildren never got to have with her. I ache for all the unfulfilled dreams and yearnings that were within her. What were all unspoken hopes?

I wonder about the months and days leading up to the moment of her death. 

I have the knowledge of hindsight. I know the date she died. Was she aware that her time was limited? Did she have a feeling, a sense that each day was taking her closer to her final one? 

Of course this is true for us all. We are all moving towards our death. However some of us do not have that luxury of an expanse of time. An expanse in which there is a sense of fulfilment between birth and death.

I have been blessed with a very different life to that of my mother’s. I was born in Australia, not war-torn Europe. I didn’t need to migrate for a better life, for better possibilities. I am also healthier and fitter. I am in a positive, loving and supportive relationship. I have not had to work in menial jobs because I couldn't speak English well.

Though I would be considered ‘middle-aged’ I feel that I am still young; I am still finding my feet in the world, there are still so very many learnings and adventures and travels that I want to explore. Did my mum feel that way too? 

If nothing else, the death of a loved one teaches us that life really is short; irrespective of the length of their years. I think that we owe it to their memory that we live our own lives as fully and to the best of our abilities as we are able. 

While this upcoming birthday has opened the wound of grieving - I am in the world of the living.

It is my job to live fully, lovingly and gratefully EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.